Tuesday, September 9, 2014


It's not that I hate myself when I eat bad foods, it's just that I get highly disappointed.  I'm supposed to be on some super last-month-till-the-wedding-detox or something.  This is what society has taught me, & for some damn reason, I believed them.

In opposition to this ideal, my body has gone on strike - gaining more weight than I ever have before.  I've lost my drive to work out, I've lost my energy.  I always used to work out at least some - at least yoga.  Now I seem to be trying harder than ever to put good food into my gullet, while not moving a damn muscle.

My Pinterest food board, "savory," is loaded with yummy recipes utilizing fresh ingredients.  So why on earth have I not taken advantage of this plethora of knowledge concerning the age-old question, "What's for dinner?"

Is it because I am no longer under the watchful, ever-concerned, never-tactful eyes of my mother?  Is there some part of me that is craving body-freedom?  Some part of me that wants full & complete independence from the hold I have on being "just like my mother."

This image, taken from my Pinterest board, is one example of just how beautiful I'd love to make each meal.  I would love to tend a farm, make my money cultivating, growing, selling, & providing flavors to people who otherwise have none.  People who would, like me, automatically go for what is easy.  But wait, haven't I learned that cooking is easy??  Haven't I always known this?  Then why the inner conflict, affecting my material world?  Why don't I work for what I love anymore?  Somewhere deep, I need to find this motivation again.  Motivation for cooking, cleaning, working out, writing, blogging, doing yoga, not drinking.  It's not that I've been drinking a lot lately, I just feel that the extra sugar in a bottle of beer probably isn't the best thing for me.  So what does my amazing soon-to-be-hubby do?  He buys me gluten-free, organic beer.  Because he's awesome, that's why.

"Local females are returning to the farm — raising livestock, picking produce and finding happiness in the peacefulness of Earth’s harvest."  - Chatter

Words of wisdom, & so much truth ring from that simple statement.  This is what I want, this is what I yearn for.  I just need to do it & stop thinking about it, I know.  But materializing action from these internal road blocks is so hard for some reason.  I know what to do, I know what steps to take, I just need to take the steps & just do it.  Yeah, Nike sometimes says it best.

Okay.  So.  Here I am, saying that I'm going to do it.  I'm going to look this thing in the eye & start living.  Really living.  To my fullest potential.  Without scrutiny, without concern for what others are doing, I am going to stop hating on myself, stop dwelling, & start doing.

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